


Without You

by LostGirls



Category: Lost Girl
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-11 14:16:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1174064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostGirls/pseuds/LostGirls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the Aftermath of Bo's singular focus on Rainer and her Destiny, she loses everything. Her friends, family, her love. When the unthinkable happens she has to pull herself from the bottom alone. But how can she go on without her heart?</p><p>Does she even want to?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Just something that hit me in the middle of the day.  Character death?

Without You

_X_

**_Without you_** **** __  
The ground thaws  
The rain falls  
The grass grows

X

The skies are dark. The rain is whipping the windows, lashing the planks. My head is throbbing. My eyes burn. My heart aches. I can’t breathe properly. I hear your voice in my ear. _Breathe in through your nose and out Bo. Easy now... Deep breaths... Let it out slow._

I try. It doesn’t help. Nothing helps without you.

I can’t.

No one seems to understand. Or they do and they don’t care. Not that I deserve their caring at this point. No one says it. But it’s in their eyes.

It’s my fault. All my fault.

The Una Mens.

Hale.

You.

 

X

 ** _Without you_** **** __  
The seeds root  
The flowers bloom  
The children play

X

I’m a horrible person. I know what you would want.

I can’t

Without you I can’t

I hear her. I haven’t brought myself to see her.

They take care of her. My ex family.

They named her.

It’s been weeks or maybe months. It’s been 8 weeks since you.

I saved the world.

I destroyed the evil I brought into it.

I lost everything to make amends.

You’re gone.

I’m gone.

Charlotte remains.

 

X

**_The stars gleam_ ** ****__  
The poets dream  
The eagles fly 

X

Kenzi moved back in today.

Its been 12 weeks.  She’s still mad. She still hates me. She doesn’t say it.

It’s in her eyes. She’s disgusted with me. She plops the child in my arms and walks off.

The last I hear is her muttering in Russian and ending in English…”She’s your kid, the least you could do is try! You owe her that much.” The door slams.

My head still throbs from too much alcohol the night before. My eyes still burn from crying myself to sleep. I’m pathetic and she deserves better.

I’m not better.

But Kenzi has left and Charlotte remains.

Here in my arms I finally look at our daughter. My heart aches just a little bit less.

You’re still gone.

So am I.

But I breathe in her scent. I run a finger over her cheek, caress her soft brown hair. She has blond highlights. She has your eyes. She has your everything except for my dimples.

She’s the stars.

The moon.

She’s Light.

 

X

 ** _Without you_** **** __  
The earth turns  
The sun burns  
But I die without you  
  
X **** __  
  


I lay the flowers down at your headstone. It’s large and ornate. The best money can buy.  I run my fingers over the transcript.

**_In loving memory, of Lauren Lewis. Doctor, Mother, Friend._**

It should say Savior. You saved me. Every time I needed you and times when I thought I didn’t. It hurts to be here now. My hand cradles the necklace you bought but  never gave to me. It’s a hollow reminder of my short comings.

I want to say I love. I want to say I’m so sorry. I want to say so many things. But the words die on my lips. Even now I can’t bring myself to speak them out loud. I can’t afford another breakdown.

Charlotte is turning one tomorrow.

My fractured family has finally pieced itself back together. Kenzi has finally forgiven me but I know Hale will always be between us. I left her alone, mistreated our friendship and when she needed me to come through I didn’t.

Sound’s like our relationship.

But she came back to me. Dyson came back but it not the same. Whatever friendship you two started has spilled over. He doesn’t love me like he did before. Not that I blame him. He is however Charlotte’s favorite Uncle.

Trick and I have bonded over our shared fuckedupness. Yes I know that’s not a word. But it is the one thing we share. Tamsin, Vex, and Bruce, they are all here but its hollow without you. Life goes on but I’m gone.

Without you.

 

**X**

**_Without you_ ** ****__  
The breeze warms  
The girl smiles  
The cloud moves  
  
 ****_X_

Her smile lights up the room. She is so smart. Everyone loves her.

She’s just like you babe. She came home with a B on her spelling test and pouted about it all night. I smile thinking about how she rolls her eyes when she explains something she thinks I don’t know.

Charlotte.

Tomorrow she has fishing trip with Dyson and Vex. God help us.

It’s been 5 years.

I miss you

 

**_X_ **

**_Without you_** **** __  
The tides change  
The boys run  
The oceans crash  
X 

 

She has a crush. On the neighbors son….

And daughter.

Kenzi thinks its hilarious. She’s 10!

The boy gave her a valentines day card.

The girl sent chocolates.

Nice to see she’s inherited some of my traits.

She ask about you all the time.

I tell her our story. I leave out the crushing bits.

She asks if this is why my eyes never shine.

Because I miss you.

She falls asleep with your picture under her pillow.

I fall asleep with a picture of you in my head.

 

X

 ** _The world revives_** **** __  
(Colors renew)  
But I know blue, only blue  
Lonely blue  
(Within me blue)  
Without you

 ** _  
_**X

Kenzi, Dyson, Tamsin. They have all stopped trying. No more blind dates, no more hints. They’ve accepted what I’ve known all along.

Without you….I can’t.

My Succubus doesn’t seems to have faded to background since you. I feed. I fuck. I go home to our daughter.

I smile and a laugh and sometimes its genuine. But most times its for Charlotte. Everything is for Charlotte.

She’s 11 now. She beautiful, tall and her highlights are lighten her brown hair. Her eyes sparkle when at every new thing. She is care-free. She's loved. I got something right. I owe you that much. She knows things. She has your wisdom. I try to be happy. I know she knows that’s what I’m doing.

Trying.

It’s hard….trying…without you.

 

X

 **** _Without you_  
The hand gropes  
The ear hears  
The pulse beats

 **** _Without you_  
The eyes gaze  
The legs walks  
The lungs breathe

**_X_ **

Trick is insisting that I come to the coronation of the new ash. Its ceremonial at best. One leader of Dark and Fae for appearance’s sake. Its been 13 years since all hell broke loose literally. Thirteen years since Rainer, Hale, and You.

Charlotte begged me to go. She’s says I keep being a hobbit. What kind of Succubus am I? How am I suppose to teach her if I always stay in the house. It was quite funny. I guess my ass kicking days have long been behind me. I’ve lost the will to find trouble. You would hardly believe it babe. I’ve been domesticated.

All it took was you dying.

Yes, I suppose I am still bitter. But here I am. Surrounded by people I hate and who hate me. Tamsin and Kenzi are drinking up all Tricks high end stuff while he’s distracted. Dyson is smoozing with his latest fling. Good for him.

Evony appears. Smug as usual. She still rubs it in every chance she gets about your “special” relationship. How she’s hung on to power this long I will never know. I’d kill her if she wasn’t such a good guardian angel to Charlotte. As much as it pains me to say it, back when in the early weeks after your death it was her intervention that kept Kenzi and Charlotte safe. I was too far gone in my grief and guilt to be much use to anyone.

I’m still ashamed it took me near three months to see my own child.

I’m barely paying attention as she take the microphone and begins to drone on about the Fae entering a new phase of good fortune, bla bla bla. I take a long pull of the champagne from the flute I’m holding. She’s carrying on about how a sign has been sent from Gods that we are on the right track.

I can’t help but snort at that one. Yea ok. Where were the gods when Rainer was trying to open the equivalent of the HellMouth into our world to release my father!

I’m about to call it night. When I look up to the stage…..

 

**_X_ **

****_The mind churns_  
  
The heart yearns 

**_X_ **

My heart stops. That body...Those eyes...Oh god.

A voice in my head… _Breathe in through your nose and out your mouth Bo. Easy now. Deep breaths. That’s it nice and slow._

**_“_** Lauren?” a whisper of hope that's been long buried. Slight recognition in honey brown eyes..."Lauren! oh God!'

 

 **The tears dry** ****  
Life goes on… but I'm gone  
'Cause I die

**Without you**

FIN

****

Song-Without You (Rent)

 

 


	2. Thinking about you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bo gets a second chance.

Thinking about you

**X**

**I've been thinkin' 'bout you**

**Do you think about me still?**

**Do ya, do ya?**

**Or do you not think so far ahead?**

**'Cause I been thinkin' 'about forever**

**X**

Its been a few days since I’ve been reunited with my lost love.

Everyone has decided to keep her rebirth a secret from Charlotte for now.

Rebirth.

I feel like my life has been reborn since Lauren’s come back to me.

She hasn’t got her memories back yet.

Tamsin says that’s how it is with Phoenix Fae.

I don’t’ care. I’d wait forever it that’s what it takes.

 

**X**

**Yes, of course**

**I remember, how could I forget?**

**How you feel?**

**You know, you were my first time**

**A new feel**

**X**

She asks me how met. How we fell in love. Yes she can feel the love between us. She’s met our daughter. They click instantly. Charlotte can’t seem to contain her joy and I don ‘t blame her. Lauren is a natural with her. I sit back and watch them. When we’re alone I find myself watching her every movement. She says she can see the pain in my eyes when I’m not…trying.

This time I tell her what I never could in her past life. At her grave. I spill my guts. I tell her I love her , that I never deserved her. That I let her down. That it was all my fault. I break down.

In true Lauren fashion she contemplates me. And when I think I may have overstepped she says she knows. The memories slowly sink back in a little at a time. She’s felt the love but the hurt as well. She was afraid to say anything. She was afraid of losing the place we’ve built.

She holds my hand and we sit on the beach watching the sun fade away into horizon. I tell her about the first time we made love. How I fell in love with her that night.

No matter what happened afterwards. She had my heart from that moment.

It was my first time giving it away.

 

**X**

**It won't ever get old, not in my soul**

**Not in my spirit, keep it alive**

**We'll go down this road**

**'Til it turns from color to black and white**

**X**

Its been a few months since Lauren’s rebirth. Her memories are back fully. We’ve talked about the past. It hurt. I just hope that over time all our new memories will replace the old hurts. She tells me about her formula to boost the fae gene in humans. I didn’t realize she was even a half breed at that time. Neither did she till Taft.  She’d been working on the formula in order to set herself free.

We talk about the aftermath of her “death”. She knows how bad things got with me. Knows that I sunk so low I couldn’t even raise our daughter at first. We make love. This time it feels like a new beginning. Its not rushed. We have thousands of years with one another.

And yes I’ve been thinking about that too. Before it felt like a prison sentence. A thousand years without her. Now it’s the opposite. I can’t wait for each new day to wake up to my love. The Fae think she’s a sign from the Gods. A human reborn. They have no idea about her work…Only Evony and Trick and they aren’t telling anyone.

So yes. We finally have time to talk, to work on us, to be about nothing but us.

For once it doesn’t hurt to think about the future…

 

**I been thinkin' 'about forever**

**THE END…..**


End file.
